Eating and Retreating


On my way back from taking my son to work this morning, I was listening, as I always do, to  Heart Radio . They were discussing romance, and what happens when a romantic gesture goes wrong. Which got me to thinking…

I seem to have a knack for attracting oddballs. There, I’ve said it – I. Attract. Oddballs. This is completely different to me being attracted to them, incidentally.  And first dates with oddballs can be a pretty strange experience. Now, let me just say that the dates in question don’t look anything out of the ordinary, they are perfectly nice, normal looking men. But their ideas of a romantic first date differs wildly from mine.

Take John* for example. This is going back a few years, but it is still etched firmly in my subconscious, and a firm reminder of how not to do things. So John was a blind date – tall, handsome, and in the RAF. As he was a friend of a friend, and well known to them, I was perfectly happy to have him pick me up. He had suggested we go to the cinema, and then stop off for something to eat afterwards. The cinema, as a rule, isn’t ideal for a first date but I figured the restaurant afterwards would give us ample time to get to know each other.

The film was good, a comedy as I recall, so we left the cinema happy and buoyed up, and I was looking forward to a nice conversation over dinner. As he drove we talked, and it barely registered when he pulled into the petrol station, although I thought it slightly odd that he didn’t actually put any fuel into his car but went straight into the shop. A few moments later he returned, with a sandwich and a can of drink in his hand, looked at me and said,

“I didn’t know what you liked so I didn’t get you anything, but they still have a few bits left in there if you’re quick”, unpacked the sandwich and set about eating it. I watched him, aghast.

“Whaaaat?” he asked with lettuce hanging from his mouth.

“I thought you said we were getting something to eat after the film?”

Again he looked at me like I was mad.

“Whadda you think this is?” and made a noise that we used to make in the playground when we were 10, a sort of “dduurrrrr” noise, with our tongues rammed between our lower teeth and inside lip.

Needless to say, we never made it to a second date.

*Name has been changed to protect the idiotic.



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